Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me

So. Im not so happy lately. I am on the outside, and I am on the surface, but underneath....im panicing. the other night, me and corinne and erin were discussing life, and we got on the topic of men. shocker, right? and i told them that lately i am a person i never thougth i would be. im happy with who i am, but im not. last year at this time, i wouldnt have believed you if you described the me that i am now. i never thougth i would be this bitter and scary angry. i never thought i would be cynical. and im not, but i am. i still have my naivety and my crazy romantic hopes and dreams, but bitterness is the only way i know how to deal anymore. I C.A.N.N.O.T. continue this way, being this lonley and hopeless. I pretty much suck at the whole 'meeting guys' thing, and i feel like my social skills are never gonna lead me to a boyfirend who is actually good for me. its very discouraging when i go out, because the guys i meet are the kind that is bad fo rme. they're the kind who want a piece of ass, or they dont want anythign at all. and i've been havin scary thoughts that just pop in my head lately, thoughts that scare me to the core. randomly, out of nowhere, this voice comes into my head and says to accept that im never going to find anyone. normally i dont believe this voice, but i do lately. i dont know how not to. i just want someone to prove it to me that theres someone out there. and its werid, because i still feel that its going to happen to me someday. every time i hear a love song or read or watch something lovey dovey, i get this pang in my chest. its hard to explain, but i get this pang that says that im gong to find someone. but im terrified that im not going to find this person until im like 40. and erin and corinne said to me the other day that maybe thats how its going to work. they said that it will happen, but it might just not happen when or the way i want it to. and that TERRIFIES me. i know that planning my life out is stupid, cuz everything i had planned already fell though and its ok. but im so scared that they're right. what if i have to wait until im 40? i will literally kill myself. if i have to wait 18 years to get hte only thing i have ever wanted out of life, i dont think i'll make it. im not strong enough to continue with this lonliness. its literally killing me, chipping away at me and making me be a person that i do not want to be. i dont want to be bitter. i dotn want to doubt everything. i dont want to stop believeing. i dont want to have to struggle to be happy for people, and underneath be jealous that they have what i want. i dont want to keep dreaming. and i really dont want to have to keep being that person that everyone feels sorry for. oh im sorry jenn, we shoudnt talk about this in front of you. oh honey, one day it will happen. oh, you dotn know what thats like. at least you ahve a great job!! (yeah, one thats going to leave me zero time to have a life, cuz all im going to do is work) pooor, innocent, stupid jenn.


sorry. i need to vent. im really worried about how things are going to tunr out. it doenst help that my list of people i can depend on is shrinking. i hate this semester. which makes it worse, cuz this is my senior year. imiss last fall. last fall was my best semester yet. i dont like that my friendships are falling apart, i hate my schedule, and im scared about after graduation. im frekaing out now cuz i know 3 people who got jobs at PwC and 2 of the girls quit after only 2 months because they couldnt handle it, and the other girl lasted 2 yeras and then quit because it was too much. im happy that i have this great job, but now im freaking out even more becasue i could barely handle it this summer, so how am i goign to do it when im full time and there isnt an end to look forward too? what if im making the wrong decisions? and how am i goig to survive on my own, without my friends around me all the time to encourage me? i dont know if i'll be able to do it and have some sort of happiness. i know i can do it, but i dont want to be miserable,a nd right now from where im standing, life is going to suck when i graduate. all im going to have it a job that works me into the ground and no boyfriend, support group, or family anywere near me.

i know its all going to be ok. and i knwo that even tho my friends and familyw otn be next to me, they'll still be there for me. but its still scary. this is why i dont want to graduate. i like the familiarness tha ti have right now. the real world is scary, and i dont think im readyt o face it. im definately not emotionaly stable. Oh God, please help me.....

yeah its my birfday. i went out last nite. and got waaaasted. and i danced on a chair. and then a bar. highlight of my life. and my bartender at our bar kissed me. on the lips. im going to ravish him on that bar one day, i promise. aaaaaand thats all.

I'm sitting here listening to country music with erin, and i jsut got done looking at pictures of my puppies to emial to my sister for her project. and im really homesick right now. Country music makes me so blissfully happy, unless im away from home and things are going rough, cuz then it makes me miss home a lot. right now, i need to be home for so many reasons. one - everyone here is driving me crazy. i need to get away from just about everyone here at wagner college. two - i miss my mommy and daddy. and my puppies. and lately im really missing my sister and brother. it makes me really sad that this may be the last christmas i see my bro for awhile, czu next year he'll mostlikely be overseas at war for christmas. which is going to be hard. but i dont want to write a sad entry right now. im just in a very reminiscent mood. i'm thinking a lot about home, and i realize that even tho i've had it rough these last few years, ever since halfway through high school, i truly have had a great life. i had an AMAZING child hood, and im fortunate to have an amazing family, even tho they drive me insane 99% of the time. i guess thats the cool thinga bout getting older and beign away from home. i couldnt wait to get out of NEPA and never go back, and now it's all i want to do. i can see the good in it, and also i notice that the older i get, the mroe i understand my parents and the less they drive me crazy. well, they still do that a lot, but i can see where they're coming from. and my extended family in nutty, in good and bad ways, and im so fortunate to have such a large family. awww even tho the holidays are gonna be hard and may just suck, i still cant wait! oh, a Lemoncelli family holiday. its always fantastically dramatic and emotionally tumultuous, but i love it. :-D

i think that im a rarity, in the sense that i am one of the few people i knwo that realizes what i have and appreciates it and rarely takes advantage of it. i guess its the fact that im a senior, and im going through some tough stuff with losing my grandfather and watching my grandmother slowly slip away, but i appreicate every moment and i try to live my life like theres not much left. i dont want to sit here anymore, saying oh someday i'll do that. some people frown upon and judging the ways im spending my weekends, but i realize, unlike other certian people who want to be miserable always and lock themselves in their rooms every weekend, that we have very few weekends left together this semester,a nd the spring is going to fly by even faster. and i want to take advantage of every moment i have left with my firends. so there. i stick my tongue out.

ok i gota go to bed goonite.

so my last entry was....a little angry. just thought i'd share that im doing better right now. today i was on the verge of tears all day, but i had a long talk with my mommy and i watched greys anatomy, and i feel much better. greys anatomy always gets to me, and something always happens in that show that totally relates to what im going through at the moment. and that is one reason why i truly love that show. but anywho, i digress. this past week was a rough one for me. and lately, i've become a person that i dont know. i've been angry, ornery as erin would put it, ive been snappy, i skipped class which i NEVER do, i drank on a weekday....and its because i've been letting stress get to me. today was especially bad cuz it all started to hit me. all day i felt like thiere was a mac truck on my shoulders and i actaully felt very heavy because of stress. i almost broke down crying at the gym, which u knwo is a bad sign, cuz who cries at the gym? im physically weak, i've been having quasi panic attacks, and i've been a bad freind to someone who does not deserve it. and its going to change now. im going to stop letting people walk all over me and im going ot stick up for myself. im going to try my hardetst to not let the stress get to me, which means that i need to seperate myself from toxic people and i am going to distance myself from unnecessary drama. i need happiness and sanity in my life. but after tonite, i know now that im going to be ok and i'll get through this, cuz there are some people i've learned lately that i can depend on totally. and i thank GOD for them, because i know that i would be clinically insane or dead without them.

im really tired and my boob really hurts, so im going to bed. haha. but i just thoguth i'd share. just to let whoever reads this know that i am not yet crazy. the end.


buona sera.

i am so FUCKING SICK OF BULLSHIT. i swear to God, im going to flip out any second. i cant take this anymore. im so sick of everyone, and all of the fucking drama. this is not what i thought my senior year would be like. not at all. im sick of my friends treating me like shit, and im sick of people being assholes all of the time. i cnat do anything right. seriously, no matter what i do, im wrong. and everything is my fault. i just dont know how much more i can take. i havent been this angry in a very looog time. like its to the point now wehre people are going to soon see a side of me that very few people have ever seen. ad i hate being this angry, but i cant help it. one of my best friends treats me like shit all the time and she knows it but doenst care. she never has one nice thing to say to me. and then theres other firends who i jut cant please, no matter what i do. im tired of everyone only caring about themselves. im tired of selfishness. im tired of having to watch my every move in fears that one worng word or movement will piss ppl off. its ridiculos.

and im so fucking God damn sick of it being rubbed in my fucking face every day of how much of a loser i am cuz i dont have a boyfriend. and im tired of the comments and the gushing about, oh its soooo nice to be held! i cant believ ehow much my life sucks cuz i havent gotten laid in 3 minutes! isnt it terrible that i cant stop orgasming? oh woe is me! gag. me.

and frankly, im really tired of beign single. and im fucking sick of assholes. and guys. i hate them. and i hate how bitter i am because of them. this is not who i am, but its what i've become. how do i stop being so bitter? how do i know that im not gonna be this fucking lonely forever? im so so so so sick of hearing, oh honey it will happen to you one day! espeically when its coming from someone whos got someone. just dig the knife in a little bit deeper, why dont ya. words dont help at all. alli want is someone to come along and show me that im wrong, that all guys arent assholes, that a guy can return the feeling and actually want to stay with me and not ditch me for his friends or for aother God damn fuckign whore. prove it to me. prove me wrong. im tired of being so God damn nice when all it gets is misery for me.


sorry. im not allowed to vent to anyone anymore because when i do im yelled at or im told to suck it up and deal with it. so im taking it out on livejournal. im sorry that im upset cuz my friendships are falling apart, im doing bad in school, i've been doing things lately that im not proud of, and my grandmother is soon not going to know who i am. and soon i wont have a grandmother. forgive me for getting upset. i'll just continue keeping it all in, so i wont have to bother anyone with my problems, cuz everyone is too wrapped up in their own problems to actually care for a friend. forgive me.


fuck the world.

right now i should be writing a thesis thats due in 2 weeks that i havent started yet, or maybe studying for the 2 midterms that i have this week. but im not.and i dont care. cuz i have senioritus. and i have a job. so whatev. i just wanted to say that i like being happy. and i think for once, im truly happy. yeah, theres drama and a lot wrong with my life, and we wont even get started with my issues in the bf department, but theres so much more in my life thats right than wrong. i truly have the most amazing friends ever. im blessed to be able to sit back and knwo that when i graduate, i have a job. i love my family. and i realy love where i am in life righ tnow. i love the person that im becoming. and i love the fact that just about all of my friends now are 21. cuz the crazyness is just beginning....yesssssssss. :-P

and i just want to say taht i really dont know where i would be in life without my girls and boys. they make me feel like i mean something, they raise my self-esteem, and then give me the confidence to go out in the world and do soemthing with my life. they love me even tho im crazy and spazzy. and my boys even think im beautiful when im not wearing make up and im in a tshirt. i mean, gross, but if these good looking fellas still love me, then im a pretty darn lucky gal. thats the cool thing about senior year. it makes you realze who you truly want to be friends with and who doenst matter anymore. it makes u not take any moment for granted, becasue next year its all over. i see things in a different way. theres no point in staying mad at anyone or fighting, cuz its just a waste of this very precious time thats slipping away. it is relaly terrifying how fast this year has gone by. i mean, tmorrow is october 3. oh shit.

so in a nutshell, life is much better when you concentrate on the good and forget about hte bad. its simple logic, but its not easy to do. and now i'll leave u with a little soemthing thats so very true, and its preeeeetty.




People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build
upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to
accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use
in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love
is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

so friday night we went into the city. we went to our favorite pub, where sexy irish men work at the bar. we got really really trashy. we met a hott australian and his hott friend who says hes from long isand but definately doenst sound like it. i kissed them both. more than once. their friend pulled that game where he took my favorite sweater without me knowing and we looked for it the enitre night and coudlnt find it, then once we left he magiacally returned it to me and i told him in my druken state that i love him. amazing. we closed down the bar. at 4am. i went to bed at 6 am. i woke up drunk and black and blue.


basically to sum it all up, it was the time of my life. i love college. and random bars in manhattan. oh yes.

Senior year. It still hasnt hit me. I dont want to graduate. But a tiny part of me does. THis semester is crazy so far. im taking 5 classes, writing my thesis, and working 2 jobs which makes my work schedule 25 hours a week. plus add in the clubs and other activities im a part of, along with spending time with friends. this is insanity. but i kinda like it. people are drivingme nutty, and i have zero free time, but im glad i had my real world experiene this summer to make me not take this for granted and suck it all in while it lasts. i appreciate being albe to spend as much time as possible with my friends.

sigh....im very conflicted right now. i got a call from PwC last night, and they told me that I got my job in Manhattan!! im so unbelievably happy, its disgusting. and im getting paid a TON of money. im shocked. one of my biggest dreams came true. i get to work and live in manhattan. for as long as i cna remember thats what i wanted. its such an amazing, unexplainable feeling to have such a huge dream come true!! and its funny, because i still dont think im smart enough for pwc, and i never really thoguth i would go anywhere big in life. i guess i never beleived in myself enough, and i never believed the encouragement i got in the past. i dotnknwo why. i never in a trillion billion years woul dhave guessed that i would be getting my first real world job at the biggest accoutning firm in the country. im starting at the top. i cant go up any higher than pwc. its so surreal. and im so so grateful for this.

however, a part of me cant help but feel that something is still missing. being a senior is cool. im the oldest, and my future is right in front of me. i can relax because i have a job, and for some strange reason, even tho im stressed and insanely busy and thigns are going wrong left and right, i've been deliriously happy lately. not too much gets to me. im not complaining cuz i like it. but there are those moments, kind of like now, wheni get scared and upset. thing sare falling into place, and i have pretty much 2 of the 3 big goals covered. i dont have an apartment yet, but i will be living in the city. and i have a job. but in the romance department, which is the most important to me of all, i got nothing. absolutely nothing. and theres absolutely no prospects in sight. the few that i thought i had left have disintegrated into thin air, and like always im left standing in the dust. everyone seems to meet someone, or THE one in college, and i havent met anyone. yes, i go to a gay collge (literally), so thats part of it. but im terrified that when i go out into the real world i wont have time to meet anyone. i have this hole inside of me, and i feel it every morning when i wake up or when i see lovers together. and it kills me wheni hear my friends who have been single for 5 minutes tell me how horrible it is and they cant take it. listen kids, try living in my shoes. at least ya'll had SOEMTHING. i have a trail of broken hearts. my thing from last year is officially over. hes moved on and doenst even seem to want to talk to me much anymore. its nice to find out that you were lied to and you mean nohting, even tho you were lead on to beleive you were special. it snice when a certain whore decides to befriend me. so awkward. ugh. and it snice that the kid you grew feelings for over the summer gets a girlfriend. its nice that i have the worst love life in the history of mankind. oy vay. oh well.

im going ot be an independant woman. im gonna make my millions and shop til im happy. im gonna travelt he world and im going to become fluent in italian and buy a villa in tuscany or soemwhere else beautiful in italy. im so serious. i have os many dreams now, partially b/c of pwc. i traveled this summer, which ive never done, and i realied theres so much of the world i havent seen or dotnknwo about. i want to go everywehre. i have a new goal to go see every baseball park in the country. i already have plans for the summer. and i really wnt to get in touch with my italian roots and go to italy for at least a month. one thing i gained this summer was the realization that i dont have to jus tsit here saying im gonna do things. i acutally do them now. im becoming more agressive in what i want. i thank terrible new jersey drivers partially for that. haha. im very proud of the person im becoming. theres so much i want to do with my life, and part of me wants to start it now. i think life will be oka fter college. but im giong to try to be happy, and continue not caring. someday i will be 100% happy. it will happen. im gonna keep on beleveing and keep telling myself to not give up or lose hope, even if its hopeless. if one dream can come true, then i think that leaves open a big window of possibility for many more to come.....

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

i havent written in a long time. lots of things have been happening, and for once it was all good. until now. well, its still not htat bad now, its just been a rough day. im really pissed off right now...

so first, its a rough day to begin with because 2 years ago today my grandfather died. and i miss him so much. i want him back here wiht me. and its so much worse because of the fact that my grandmother is in a nursing home and shes not doing well. she has alzeimers, and she has gotten tremendously worse since may. shes always beenf orgetful, but since my Poppop died shes gone downhill insanely fast. shes now a person that i barely recognize when i go to see her. she still knows who we are, but i dont think thats going to last much longer. its just really hard to see someone who was always so stubborn and independant and tough and strong get to the point where she barely has enough strength to feed herself and hold her head up. its hard to see the toll this is taking on my poor father, and its hard because shes the only living grandparent i have left. over the summer i went up to my grandmothers now empty house to help my dad go through some stuff, adni found all these pictures that i've never seen, and i found out some accomplishments of hers that i didnt know about. and it just made me think of all the things that i will never be abel to talk to her about agian. i wont be able to ask her any more quesitons about her childhood, and in italian class the other day i was reminded once again of the fact that i cant find out anything about my italian histroy, because my grandmother doenst even remember that my grandfather died. theres an alcoholic drink called Limoncello, which sounds exactly like my last name. she asekd me if my last name came from a family who made tht stuff for a living, and i didnt know. i was never told of this, so now if i want to find out i have to ask my father, who may not even know. sigh...this is just not a situation that i need to be going through right now. i dont want to lose her, but i hate seeing her like this. whats going to happen when it comes to the point where she doenst even remember our names? i wont be able to handle it. i really dont think i will. and i wish i could talkto someone about this. i can kinda talkto my dad, but i dont really know anyone whose gone throught his before. i dont like talking about it because i dont like tha tlook in people's eyes when i tell them. they dont know what to say, and neither do i, so it just makes everything awkward. soi just dont talk about it. there is one person who would understand...but hes got more important people to be with, and i dont matter. i never did. so eff that idea. i'll just have to go on figuring out a way to cope...

another reason why im mad is that i foudn out some not so nice info the other night when i was drunk. im not getting into details, but lets just say that i was definately lied to and used, and its just a slap in the face. all my suspicions were right. i kinda feel like trash. but at the same time i now realze that this perosn is an asshole and had no right to treat me the way he did. so fuck him.

im also sick of certain freind of mine always having to be the center of attention. shes always got to be the most beautiful and the skinniest and im sick of being second best. it gets old fast. i have enough reasons to think that no guy will ever like me, id otn need to have my self esteem ripped apart even more than it is right now. i gained back a few pounds, which makes me very upset, and im a little upset with guys righ tnow and her actions arent helping me at all. im not in the mood to be understanding right now.

lastly, im really pissed at my sister. and im kinda mad at my parents for putting me right smack in the middle of things with my brother and sister. my mom gave me 2 'jobs' today. basically if i dont do these 'jobs' correctly, then...things arent looking good. im tired of my sister not listening to me and getting me in trouble when its her fault, not mine. and i dont appreciate the fact that i found out that a ceratin friend of mine from home lies to me....


im sorry. i've gotten so much better thi ssummer, becaue PwC changed me. but im really bitter and upset and emotional righ tnow, and certain incidents that happened this week have just built up and i feel used and trashy right now. i feel like people who i thoguth were good friends of mine arent anymore, adn thigns are changing faster than i can cope with. i dont like all this negative stuff that has come to my attention lately, and i wish it would stop. i dont like that people think i cant handle the fuckng truch, and i DO NOT like being lied to. im sick of bullshit.

the end.

This is gonna be short. Basically, i finished my first full week of working full time and commuting at lest 2.5 hours a day. im second-guessig my whole life right now czu im just not sure if im cut out for certain things anymore and im worried that im notmaking the right decisions. it will pass. its arleady starting to, and i just need to get used to it. but still.....now, more than ever, i dont want to graduate. im going to cry every day of my senior year. i love my job, but i dont knwo how ready i am to work full time nd give up my college lifestyle. and now im afraid my dreams of living in nyc are going to be shattered. i guess i'll just have to be patient and just ride it out and officially stop fantasizing about the future and just go with it.

on another note, i had a dream the other night that was so intense that im still haunted by it. it was so real. it had to do with a guy, and its funny cuz he was a cross between 2 guys that i have/had a thing for. and it was strange, cuz i actually felt emotions. like, i relaly think i felt what real love is like. in my dream. and its seriously haunting me. i really dont know how to explain it. but im just getting worried and upset about boys right now. probably cuz im just super emotional from all the changes in my life right now and the fact htat i have to grow up. righ tnow. im working full time and thrown out into the real world, and im not as ready for it as i thoguth i was. and this summer isnt turning otu at all like i thgouth it would. so ig uess im just worrying about eveyrthing right now. oh well. i'll deal with it.

so....its been awhile. im back from chicago. i didnt blow away, so thats always a plus. it was so exhausting, tho. i had class for like 9-11 hours a day, and i went out a bunch of times, and im not so fond of hotels anymore, but its all good. the people working in my office are incredbile. they're fun. the guys are gorgeous. seriously, folks, whoever says that accountants are boring, geeky people are definately lying and missing out. i havent seen that many good-looking guys in one area in a long time. and everyone is so fun! i actually ...well...kinda....made out with a certain gorgeous guy that will be wroking in my office. which probly wasnt a good idea, but we were drunk and i absolutely dont regret it and neither does he. hes 6'2. lol i found that interesting. oh i love my life. :-D

so chicago is a gorgeous city. it it was on the east coast, i would seriously live there. the nightlife is incredbile too! imsuper impressed tho. im sad that i didnt have time to see oprah or the cubs, but i'll just have to go back. but i have to say that i do hate ohare airport. its too big and confusing and ijust dont like it.

im already so exhausted, and i really aint sure how im going to work at least 40 hours a week, plus commute like 2 hours a day. its going to be veeery interesting. im going to be too busy tho. i just know it. idk if im ready for this. my job is a lot more work than i thougth it would be. its super intense, and i feel liek an adult already czu i cant go outside to do kid things cuz i'll be working always. i've never worked more than 35 hours a week. so EEK! how am i gonna get up super early every day? i think i made a deision tho. im just gonna drop out of school and work forever and just be a bum. i'll play all the time. no work. no school. how does that sound? anyone want to join me? teeheehee

ok im tired. goodbye. maybe someday i'll have time to write more. maybe not. time will tell....

sooooo.....


i go to chicago in 4 days. im scared. how am i supposed to pack enough clohtes for 2 WEEKS!!!??? do we know jenn lemon at all? SHE IS THE QUEEN OF OVERPACKING!! :-o i mean, i need to bring business stuff, going out clohtes, shoes!, stuff that i can build houses in (i know, right?), and pajamies.....oh dear. and i gotta carry this stuff all by myself, and i've only flown once in my life and i was 9 or 10 so my parents did all the work of leading me onto the plane and stuff....and i hav eno sense of direction and i can get dumb sometimes when i travel...oh mygosh how am i supposed to fly by myself!? ok breathe....breathe....ok im good now. phew. and im not sure if im rooming with someone and if i am what happens if shes a freak? and i guess i have that deep down feeling that no one is going to like me andi wont have friends and no one will want to go out with me. which is so stupid and not even true. cuz i know one person who's going already and we're friends and she likes me. and i made a few friends at my interview. and my friends tha ti already have tell me im fun and cool and stuff. so i guess they arent lying to me. so my brain just needs to shut the eff up. thats all. im sure i'll have a splendiferously superb time.

im super hyper. i have been all day. i really dont know why. cuz i want to freak out but im in too much of a silly mood to care aobut anything.

so my cousin's wedding was called off today. it came as a complete, 100% shock. so my exciting dream of being a bridesmaid in a gorgeous dress is now gone. im really upset, ad theres turmoil within the family right now. i hope her and tim can work things out. i love tim. and hes so good for her. oy vay....

i moved shit into wagner today. im kinda looking forward to being at school. home is so disgustingly boring, and mc isnt here to entertain my every waking moment, and quinns has pretty much gotten on the last nerve in my body and i dontknow how i've survived exactly 6 years of, hi how are you? do you have a gold card? paper or plastic? i really loathe going to work anymore. but at the same time, its really not that bad, and its familiar. i dont want to stay here cuz theres nothing for me and i feel like im wasting my life and opportunities for the future, but at the same time, i wish i had more time cuz i love the people and everything here is familiar. its a comfort. i've grown up here and i know it like the back of my hand. its my comfort zonw. and i guess i get nervous about thins when im not in my comfort zone, but i cnat keep living there. i need to go do things that i woundt normally do. so word up, foos.


ok i dont feel like typing anymo. have a lovely day.

PA is so boring. so unexciting. i have no life, really. i gained 2 pounds already, cuz all i do is sit around and eat. imust have read like one book a day since i got home. i spent too much money,cuz lets face it. shopping is all there really is to do around here when it rains for a week straight. mc isnt here. i miss her so so much. if she was here, i would have a life. and be less lazy. but shes not, and im lazy. but oh well. im leaving for chicago in less than 2 weeks. im excited, but today i got all the info about the trip and now im kinda nervous. lol and my biggest worry? packing! i need to pack 2 weeks of clothes to take on a plane. by myself. i flew once, and i was in 4th grade. jenn doesnt do so well traveling by herself, because jenn has no sense of direction and cnat read maps. so....this should be interesting. but at least i wont be bored anymore!! im very not happy with my body right now, but i figure, i wont have a meal plan or time to really eat this summer, so i'll lose the weight.

so, since i had a lot of time to think these day (shocker), i realized that im not very happy wiht myself, overall. or at least, im not as happy aobut myself as i thoguth i was. theres a lot that i need to fix, but its just gonna take time. i just need to stop obsessing over every little detail and i need to stop caring so much aobut what other people think and just try to make myslef happy. and i need to stop having free time so i wont think so much.

ps - i think i have an ear infectin. it hurts a lot. and i refuse to go to anohter doctor.

One of the most ironic things in life is that sometimes, the one thing that we want the most is the same thing we are most afraid of.



am i going to let fear keep me from something life-changing and great? or am i going to push aside my fears and take a chance...even if the outcome isnt good? its just a thought....

So i moved home today. school is over. im officially a senior. i cried in the car driving home today. i dont want to graduate. i cant bear the thought of not seeing all my friends everday. i cant bear the thgouth of not living wiht erin anymore. i cant bear the thoguth of staying up til 5am just talking about guys and life wiht the ladies. i cant bear the thoguth of not going to dance clubs in the city and getting hit on the a shmorgasboard of guys, some who are adorable, some who are smelly mexicans, some who are creey "cousins" from staten island. i cant bear the thougth of not having my support group around me forever. i miss my girls and boys so much right now that i cant handle it. i miss the city so much too. im not meant to be in small town, PA anymore. i need to get out and see the world. im so happy i'll be going back to school in 3 weeks. im glad to be home cuz i missed my family and friends here and my dogs and my bed, but things wiht my grandmother are bad. shes going into a nursing home tomorrow. i cnat deal with watching my last grandparent leave the world like this. but back to the main topic, i've decided im not graduating. not at all. im gonna figure out a way to make time stop. or at least slow down a LOT. its gone by too fast. like i really dontknow wher ethis year went. God, so much happend to me this year. it was completely life changing. i'm a 100% differnt person than i was when i moved in for the year. turning 21 changed me, and it changed me for good. im finally starting to become the person i always wanted to be. and thats part of th ereason why its so hard for me to get over the fact tha tthis year ended. i dotn want to let go of everything, and i dont want the progress of myself to stop. im pumped to see the world and what life has to offer, and thats nto gonna happen here in Peckville. lookout, summer, here i come!

i found otu im leaving for my internship on june 5. i go to chicago for 2 weeks training. im pumped so much. and i go to disney world at the end of the internship. i never go anywhere, and now im going to 2 place in a span of 10 weeks!! im actually kinda glad im single now, cuz i think im gonna live it up on these trips and wiht the whole intership experience. i'm gonna get to meet a lot of people and who knwos what could happen. part of me doesnt want to let go of the past and all the stuff that happened in the boy department, but part of me is ready for the future and whatever life has to throw at me. im kinda ready to see what life has to offer and all the opportunity out there. i kinda feel liek anything's possible. but im scared. i hate the unknown. and im sometimes afraid to be myself. sohopefully the summer will change that. fingers crossed....

so i went to a club in the city last friday. i met a guy. hes really cute, and really funny and nice and not creepy. we talked for a long time. i gave him my phone number and took his, but i didnt think he'd ever call and i didnt really care. but he did call. last nite. i was packing and i idn hear my phone and it was lik 2am when i saw it. the message was really funny. he has such a nice voice. teehee. so who knows? anythings possible. we can at least be freinds. i dont knwo my feelings on the situation, but i kinda have a good feeling. meeting guys is helping me to get over the past a little bit. cuz this guy doenst seem like the type who will dump me for a whore. so yay for that.

but i cant help but still feel bitter aobut love right now. i had a looong talk wiht my friend corinne the other night, and she agreed with me on the fact that, how can i trust gusy, when all i see is people cheating on each other and guys wanting to screw everything in sight? or, for example, im friends with this dude who has ag irlfriend, but always always makes commetns like oh i want to shower wiht you, calls me babe, hits on me all th ee time. now if i was with a guy and he did this, i'd be upset. also, i know a certain someone who has been sleeping with this chick for months, going on dates wiht her, paying for stuff, going to meals together, putting up stuff in his away messages aimed towards her, and hers say stuff like shes in love wiht him, but when you talk to him he says they arent boyfriend/girlfriend, and shes graduating so its ok. he says hes not in love with her or anything. so wtf, mate? hwo can you act like your bg/gf but not have feelings? how can u take advantage of a girl like that? im just afraid cuz i let myself start to trust a guy and i let myself be vulnerable, and he took advantage of me and broke my heart. how do i know this wont happen again? i cant live thought getting dumped for someone else again. i feel bad for the guy who's gonna be wiht me someday, cuz its gonna take a lot for me to fully trust him.

dont get me wrong. i beleive in love like whoa. i know that i'm going to find the kind of love i wnat someday. i can feel it in my guy. its hard to explain, but i just know that eventually all this pain will be worth what i'm gonna get. but fo rnow, i just worry. im just confused and wonderng. i dont wnat to become cynacal. i just wish guys would appreciate women more and stop taking advantage of our feelings all the time. thats all.


ps, did i metnion that i dont wnat to be a senior? tear.....

guys should stop being assholes. they shouldnt lie and treat you like your dumb. they should stop flirting with you when they throw you out like trash.

sorry. quick vent. i just saw some distrubing pictures. ok im over it now.

i went to a yankees game yesterday. i stared at derek jeter's ass for 3 hours. my life is complete. :-D

classes are finally over. for my junior year. which is freaking me out cuz soon i'll be a senior. which i cant bear to face. i cant i cant i cant. it still feels like last summer just ended! what is this??! im having the biggest case of denial about this right now. haha.

ok gotta go. just thought i'd procrastinate a little. bye now.

so im officially over him. i cant believe how fast that was. i feel like it happened overnight. i know im ove rhim cuz when i see him with HER, it doenst tear me apart anymore. i dont really care. i dont think of him constantly. yes, i have my weak moments. like last night i was sad. but i know i deserve better and i know that i'll be happy someday. i cant go back in time, so all i can do is move forward with my dignity. lifes a bitch, but what can i say? things happen for a reason. i found a good quote to describe it all:

There are times you find yourself on the edge of a cliff
Sometimes you jump because you're tired of being scared
Sometimes you jump just to see what it feels like to fall

i needed this experience. i needed to knwo what its like to fall. i needed to knwo what its like to have those kind of feelings for someone, and i needed someone to treat me like an angel and make me feel wanted, even if it was for just a little while. so i thank God for that. i wish it didnt have to end the way it did, but oh well. i have no regrets. im upset that i wasnt up front about my feelings, but i learned from it. next time, i'll let the guy know hwo i feel instead of hiding it. lessons learned. thats what growing up is for.

but i cant help but feel disheartened and frustrated. i dont have much faith in guys right now. im stuck in a rut. in the last few months, i've been let down by most of the guys i know, in some way. not all, but most. i went to barnes and noble in the city on saturday and i was by myself cuz erin was at a library nearby doing work. i was sitting by myself reading and a guy sat next to me and hit on me. we talked for like an hour and a half. and he was nice, but he was very forward and asked me out. like for htat night. i coudlnt, but i told him im not ready for dating right now and we can be friends, and he said hes only friends with ugly girls. he told me he sat by me cuz im pretty. and im flattered. but he basically said that he wanted to..do 'stuff' with me, like right there in the secluded part of b&n. and that was the final straw. im tired of being looked at....well, not in the way i want to be seen. soemtimes, guys tell me im hott and stuff, and i like it cuz who doenst want to hear that? but i feel like a piece of meat sometimes. i dont wnat to be grabbed and hit on grossly constatnly. sometimes, yes. but soemtimes i feel like guys maybe talk to me cuz they like my looks or soemthing, but when it comes down to it, they dotn care about the real me. they dotn take me seriously, cuz im cute and cute people apparently dotn have brains or feelings.

the other problem is that people, not just guys, tell me im cute. which is fine, czu i think im cute. but cute to many people is the equivalent to a 10 year old. people see me as fragile, which im not. im a tough chick. i've beent through more in these past few years than most people i know. and hear i am, still in one piece. barely. but im not falling apart like i could be. i move on, i take it all in as a leraning experience, and im wiser. i may say silly things cuz i like to be silly, and i have no short term memroy and when i get stressed i get a little forgetful and i may say dumb things, but im not stupid. im tired of being talked to like i have no brain, like im retarded. its getting old. and lets discuss the number one things thats bohtering me. the whole, jenn is too nice thing. im good to people, i care, im there for them when most of the time they arent there for me, cuz thats how i am. and i have no problem with how i am. but i hae a problem with how people treat me because of this. people have been taking advantage of me and my kindness. im there for them whenever they need me, but when i need them they arent there. and im left in the cold. but i keep giong back. and im tired of it. people need to realize that one day, im not gonna be there for them anymore. i can only deal wiht so much. i can only be stepped on and walked all over to a certain point. i really just dont want to care anymore. im taking a stand and im not going to be there at people's disposal. im not going to be taken advantage of anymore, and im not giong to be a convenience friend anymore. im taking a stand.

one last compliant about life. sorry, i havent vented in awhile, and i dotn want to do it to my friends so im gonna do it here. but back to the guy thing, i dont trust them righ tnow. i will eventually, im just going through a rough patch. im scared. i see the media and the way people dispose of boygfriend and girlfriends here and i see the way guys treat girls, and i dont know how much i turst love anymore. it seems like love is never enough. sex rules relationships. guys seem to not get enough from one girl, so they need to keep cheating and messing around wiht everyone. no one seem sto stay together anymore. and that scares me, cuz what if i get a serious boyfriend one day, and i'm not enough? im not going to put out, cuz im not sleeping wiht anyone until im good and ready and until im head over heels in true love with them. i dotn want to be punished for taht by being left in the dust while a guy moves on to the next whore who will fuck him night and day. i want to be good enough for a guy someday. thats my dream. sad, isnt it? im jsut really scared for the future........and i just dont know how much to trust love and feelings anymore. because in my experience, guys tell you one thing and make you believe good stuff, but then do anohter thing and leave you cold, wondering what the hell you did wrong, even tho you didnt do anything worng. i dotn wnat another pretender.....